It's amazing how much we travel on the Hamster wheel without even noticing we are in mental and physical decline until ..BAMM...you hit a wall. For me the wall was decorated with extreme fatigue, nausea, extreme back pain and an inability to sleep. For a few months now I have been suffering an overwhelming feeling of 'not feeling myself'. Whilst the Pandemic has left many of us feeling obsolete, my current health felt didn't feel like this was related in any way to the 12 months of lockdown. I stood in the kitchen, I turned you my Husband and said " I just don't feel well and I cannot explain what that feels like but I am out of sorts and something isn't right". By openly admitting this I took the first step to taking control and took a week off work. I rang the doctors and I have started eating foods which hopefully give me energy along with a host of multi -Vitamin supplements. The doctor is suggesting this may well be the Menopause but she isn't convinced. I don't get hot flushes but my menstrual cycle is inconsistent - this will also reek havoc with my hormones but I'm not suffering huge mood swings. Further more we have had significant changes which have taken place at home and my husband and I have gone from living a quiet life (just the two of us) to my Son moving back home and having his daughter sleep over every weekend (she is two). I have gone from not having to do anything that I didn't want to do, to suddenly feeling like I was a 'Mum' again. The pressure I placed on myself was palpable and I started feeling resentful. Yet here's the thing, I adore my family. I have two grown children from my first marriage and I also have a Step daughter who will be 17 this year. I cannot understand why I wouldn't want to have a fuller life again and I'm angry with myself for feeling so very selfish. I am due to go back to work on Monday, I work in a Senior Leadership role with a Childcare company and the hours can be long. I'm not looking forward to it. I used to love my job and it's fast pace but feel that in the not too distant future it will be time for a change and I am already thinking about what this may look like. I am determined to take my own steps on the Hamster wheel that go at my own pace. The week at home has allowed me to feel refreshed and relaxed and yesterday, for the first time in two months I felt like myself again. I woke up positive and happy. I have a sign in my bathroom which says.." Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out alive". I think it is time for me to start being the life that I want to live. If I am not the leading lady in my own story, who is?
